Ze Older Stuff

Democrat and Republican Belief Systems

Part One – How to be a good Republican

1. You have to believe that AIDS is God’s revenge on homosexuals and Africans.

2. You have to believe that it’s okay that starting teachers barely make more than minimum wage, because ‘those who can, do, those who can’t, teach’.

3. You have to believe that U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese & North Korean communists are less of a threat than Saddam Hussein was.

4. You have to believe that there was no entrepreneurship before tax loopholes for corporations.

5. You have to believe that hundreds of respected scientists are wrong about global climate change.

6. You have to believe that patriarchy is right and natural, along with slavery and polygamy, because the Old Testament says so.

7. You have to believe that countries like China, Saudi Arabia, and Russia are good company when it comes to capital punishment, and that back- alley abortion is non-existent.

8. You have to believe that governments may have to oppress in order for businesses to create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that the mining and forestry industries care more about nature than hunters and loony activists.

10. You have to believe that everybody has the self-esteem of rich white privileged males, ignoring the fact that many of them have done nothing to earn it.

11. You have to believe that corrupt politicians who have never served in the military know how to win wars.

12. You have to believe that civil liberties only count when it comes to the second, not the first amendment.

13. You have to believe that bankers are honest and roads pave themselves.

14. You have to mistakenly believe that Lee and Jefferson were Republicans, and be ignorant of the fact that Jefferson and Edison were not Christian.

15. You have to believe that no test writer or employer is racist.

16. You have to have an irrational hatred of Hillary Clinton.

17. You have to believe that citizens of socialist Scandinavia hate the fact that their standard of living is higher than the U.S.

18. You have to believe that lying about getting a BJ from an intern is more offensive than lying about reasons for sending hundreds of Americans and thousands of innocent Iraqis to their deaths.

19. You have to believe that the founding fathers didn’t know what they were doing when they wrote the first amendment.

20. You have to believe that the corporate ventures of presidents being funded by Saudi money is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

21. You have to believe that the media is part of a vast, left- wing conspiracy, orchestrated by Hollywood, academia, and the French.

Part Two – How to be a good Democrat

1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach 4th- graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese & North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth’s climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression, and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and really a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the right people haven’t been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

21. You have to believe that this is email part of a vast, right- wing conspiracy.

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