Posted: December 26th, 2005 by Militant Libertarian
an expository essay by George W. Bush
exclusively for MilitantLibertarian.org
My fellow Americans, I want to set the record straight. Many people have thrown accusations and discriminations at me for whatever concoctions their Osama-loving minds can come up with.
I’m here to put a stop to that. No, I am not a perfect man, but I try my best to follow the teachings of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Sharon.
As a part of doing that, I feel it’s necessary to “come clean” with the American people about something I did when I was younger, stupider, and more like my daughters than I am now. Yes, America, I want you to know that in 1974, I cheated in my ethics class at Yale.
I should have known better because I had a good father, a good mother, and a strong moral upbringing. That didn’t stop me, however, and I apologize for doing what I did.
All of us make mistakes. It’s how we handle those mistakes and what we learn from them that really matters.
Like, for instance, there was the time that Condi told me about those dubya MDs. By the way, did you know that Condi has those negro freckles on her nose? Kinda like the ones that other colored actor, Morgan Freeman has. Doesn’t that beat all? A black feller with freckles.
Anyway, like I was sayin’, Condi came to me with her freckles..I mean her sources saying that Saddamn had weapons of mass destruction. After she told me that, I believed it to be true and I went to bat for the American people to eradictate that despot before he could cause any trouble with them dubya MDs.
As we all know now, Condi’s sources weren’t entirely correct and those weapons of mass destruction can’t be found. However, what we learned is that just because we have bad evidence doesn’t mean our original posturation was wrong. After all, Saddamn was a bad fella and needed some eradictatin’. So in the end, all of that worked out for the best.
You know, Colin don’t have freckles like Condi and Morgan Freeman do. That is probably why he had to leave the administratium. He just didn’t fit in. You know?
Anyway, I believe that with this new revelation about me to the American people, the press will have something more to talk about and won’t look too deep into the stuff we’re doin’ over there in the Middle East.
I mean, nobody seems to notice that my dad’s security advisor is now my Vice President and we’re once again blowin’ up Iraq so that Haliburton can get to the oil.
At least, I think that’s what’s going on. I mean, I don’t know for sure. That’s kind of Dick’s thing. I just sign the papers and talk to the press at these choreo-conferences we have sometimes.
Anyway, America, I’m glad we had this little talk and I hope that you’ve had a Merry Christmas and will have a Happy New Year. If you don’t celebrate Christmas, then I hope your heathen holiday was good, even if you’re gonna burn in hell for it. Except maybe the Jews, since Jesus was a Jew and I still haven’t figured out how all that works out with God’s master plan. Ariel tells me it’s Divine Will and to just let it be. That’s hard to do. My momma says I have an inquisitionative mind and I think this is one of those times when my mind just can’t let it rest. Kind of like when I have to answer questions about where I was during Vietnam and I have to try to remember what happened at that bar in Toledo…
Got comments? Email me, dammit!
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