Fred The Money Launderer

Posted: September 13th, 2006 by Militant Libertarian

Fred’s weekly posting is one of the few places on the ‘Net that I never miss. I highly recommend you read his musings and rants!

I’m going to tell you how I entered the underworld, and became a money launderer, and international drug wallah, and remorseless criminal, just like Carlo Gambino or Bin Laden or Condoleezza Rice. Yes. I am now of one blood with Pablo Escobar. It is a service of the Anglo-Irish Bank. I imagine that my picture can be seen on wanted posters in European post offices.

How did I come to this frightful pass? I decided a while back to get such money as I have out of dollars. In the White House the Maximum Ferret was playing promiscuously at being Sergeant Rock around the planet, which he seemed to regard as his private litter box, and would one day inflate the currency to pay for it. He doesn’t pay for my hobbies, I thought. Why should I pay for his? Anyway, I didn’t want to kill Moslems. Various other people, yes, but not Mohammedans.

Where to put my minute shriveled pittance, all that is left to me of a misspent life? (I live in a swell house in Mexico with a lovely wife, a splendid if occasionally insupportable stepdaughter, a disturbed dog, a rabbit, and lots of ribs and beer. I don’t have many excuses for feeling sorry for myself. I make the most of them.)

Europe appealed, redolent as it is of stability, solemnity, and stuffy reliability. A couple of years before a shill from the Anglo-Irish Bank of Dublin had come through my Mexican town, which is full of expatriate money. Ireland, I thought. Just the thing. The Irish are a delightful race, mildly crazy, sometimes drunken, and literarily gifted, all of which recommended them to me.

Ireland, I was sure, had few Calvinist Texans with beady eyes like windows opening onto a wall, and impenetrable English you could armor a tank with. I thought of broad green lands and leprechauns and bosomy barmaids with twinkling eyes and countless magnificent authors and Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner.

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