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Aaron’s Big Fat Electric Wish List

by Aaron Turpen

Here’s a list of things I’d like to see either converted to electric or as added accessories to something already electric. These come from my own, real-world experience, so maybe you’ll have a list you’ve could ad to this. Feel free to comment.

Electric Vehicle Conversions I’d Be Willing to Pay For:
A 4×4 pickup truck with enough power to actually pull a mid-sized (weight-equivalent to truck) trailer and the actual ability to go off-road instead of just pretending to, unlike most SUVs.

A long-range, highway-capable (meaning 80mph, not 55) car with four doors and the ability to seat six real people, not undersized Japanese mannequins. I’m 6’3” and 240 pounds, people, I don’t fit in your tiny little tuna cans. That’s why I don’t drive my wife’s Honda! Sure, it gets 5,000,000mpg, but I have to use a shoehorn to get in there. Even my ninety pound dog has a rough time with it. My wife, of course, being five-foot-nothin’ has no problems at all.

A realistic, 20+hp tractor that uses standard three-point tools and has a front end loader and a useful working time of 12+ hours per charge. I live in Wyoming, so stop the puzzled looks as to why I’d want this.

A cold-weather around-towner for running little errands. Here’s the specs: it has to be enclosed, have some kind of passenger heating source, be capable of operating in extreme cold and various bad weather conditions (including high wind and heavy winter), and at least make an attempt at looking cool. Most electric “commuters” and such are made for people who live in LA-LA land and don’t have to deal with anything like this. I’m sorry, I can’t justify buying a vehicle I’m only going to drive seven months out of the year. Southern California (I prefer the term “Kalifornia” or “Kommunist Republik of”) is only a tiny little piece of America, so stop gearing all your alternative energy efforts towards them and start thinking about the rest of us! I’m sure the Governator will be glad to have some relief from the scrutiny of his very non-green, bulletproof Hummer. OK, enough politics.

Other Electric Improvements I’d Like To Take Credit For Inventing
An iPod dock for my electric lawnmower. Come to think of it, a WiFi link from the lawnmower so I could control it from my laptop would be cool too. I’ve always wanted to put an oscillating, red light on the front that makes that little “woom woom” sound. Cat and dog-dooty detection sensors would be an added bonus.

An electric collar that automatically teaches my dog all the obedience and fun trucks you see on TV so I don’t have to figure out how to do it myself. A valium-dispensing option to calm the laborador down would be a bonus.

Speaking of politics, how about an electric “B.S. Indicator” we could attach to our TV so that while we’re watching debates or listening to them on whatever talk show they’re on, we could know how high our hip boots really need to be to wade through their…uhh…proposals. Noise-canceling headphones are my current option of choice, so I’d like to see an improvement on this.

How about an enviro-friendly, realistic Presidential candidate? Something with more pizazz than McCain, but less rhetoric than Obama. It’d obviously still have to be a robot like our current options, but would need some real improvement on personality design. Maybe based on the Clintons in their hey-day: the looks of Bill and the drive and bit…er…determination of Hillary. Or perhaps the beloved Reagans, with the looks of Ronald and the wackiness of Nancy? It’s political viewpoints wouldn’t matter, since all it’d need is a paint job to switch from Republican to Democrat anyway.

Well, there you have them, my electric improvements for a new America in the 21st Century. I’m sure a couple of these will be a springboard for new inventions, further driving the entrepreneurial spirit of this great country. If you do take off with one of these ideas, please give me some kind of credit. Maybe name it the “Aaronator2000” or the “AaronStar” or something. I’d appreciate that.

Got comments? Email me, dammit!
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