WASHINGTON – President-Elect Barack Obama called on Congress to quickly pass a new fiscal stimulus package that would provide nearly $100,000 trazillion gaquillion frijillion in an effort to revive the U.S. economy, which some experts believe has entered a recession.
“Every economist I’ve ever heard of agrees what we need now is significantly more government investment to offset the negative effects of whatever it is that is happening,” Obama said at his Monday press conference. “Accordingly, I and my team of advisors have developed a comprehensive plan that will shore up our financial institutions, put jobless Americans back to work, allow everyone in a house to keep it no matter what, rescue any failing bank or business, provide a hot meal to anyone who is hungry, improve the well being of all citizens, and give a puppy or kitten to every child who wants one.
“But Congress must put ideology aside and act now in a bipartisan manner before some other even worse stuff happens,” he added, wiggling the fingers on both his hands to indicate “scary.”
Details of the plan were presented by Lawrence Summers, Obama’s top economic advisor and one of the plan’s key architects. Using a colorful chart with squiggly lines, Summers estimated that 845 jiggashillion new jobs would be created in the plan’s first year, with another 491 dubbadillion to follow over the next four years.
“Every American will be able to work two, three, four – heck, 10 or 20 jobs if he or she wants to,” said Summers. “And the best part is the income taxes generated from all these new jobs will actually pay for the plan.”
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