I’m sick of hearing from Republicans who tell me about the evil Democrats and their plans. I’m tired of hearing from Democrats who tell me about their heartless Republican enemy’s plans. I’m sick of hearing from Libertarian Party and Constitutional Party members telling me about how evil the Big 2 are and why we need to stop voting for them.
Let me tell you all something. This is extremely important. It’s so fucking important, in fact, that you need to put down whatever you might be doing, turn off the TV, unplug the radio, and pay full attention to me. America’s entire future hinges on you fully comprehending what I’m about to tell you:
Political parties are for brainless nitwits and soulless politicians.
Got it? If that makes total sense to you and you’re nodding your head in agreement, then feel free to turn the TV back on or plug the radio back in or whatever. You’ve already “got it” and don’t need to read any more from me.
For the rest of you, let me explain as you begin composing your hate mail to me.
Democrats: Your party is corrupt, sold out to the socialist and corporate interests decades ago, and is filled with jackasses like Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi. Just looking at those two hosebags, who the fuck can take your shit-ass party seriously? I mean comon! There is no bankrupted social policy your adulterating, sellout asshole leadership won’t support. Think about it, dipshit. They were in power for the last FOUR YEARS of Bush’s reign. Did they get us out of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? Fuck no, they didn’t even try. Why not? Because they never plan to, you dimwit. Wake up!
Republicans: Don’t think you get a free ride here, you Bible-thumpin boner. Your party is the very fucking definition of “sellout.” Not only do your party’s members sell themselves to the highest bidder, but most of them will vote for anything. Literally. Even if it’s a completely non-conservative, unconstitutional, Marxist program like Cap-n-Trade. They’re all over it. Dick Cheney and his evil, horned-devil bald head is the perfect symbol for your flatulence-laden rhetoric-spewing political shit house. Sorry, asshole, you can’t “save the party from within” or “restore conservative values” to your whorehouse. It’s done. Stick a fork in it. You’ve been trying for twenty years to “get the party back.” Ain’t gonna happen. Wake up and smell the dung heap the elephant left you, Gomer.
Third Party Types: This is for you, LP, CP, GP, INeedaP party members. Your political party is fucking pointless. It’s a glorified debate club that couldn’t win an election if it were the only candidate running. Prance around the Tea Party all you want with your little signs and pump out those (totally ignored) press releases and blame the main stream media for not giving you a chance all you want, fucknut, but face the truth. Your political party will never be anything but a hobby. Stop wasting your time and money on a dead horse. Just because I got “Libertarian” in my name doesn’t mean I endorse the hosers in the LP, either. I left the LP long ago. I’m a libertarian in the same sense that Thomas Jefferson and Patrick Henry were libertarians. In other words, I define it by my political thought and philosophy, not a bunch of 1970s hippie fucking talking points and party platform stances. Oh, and you Constitution Party ballsacks? I don’t see the word “God” in the Constitution anywhere. Do you? Get off it already!
My Killer Solution That Solves All These Problems and Wakes You The Fuck Up
OK, now my rant gets serious. I’m gonna show you how to actually become effective and useful in today’s political climate. This right here is the next big thing in political action. It’s what will save our country and fix the entire Goddamned world. Wanna know what it is? First, you gotta send me $49.95 (money order, gold, silver, or cash only), chump.
What do you think I wrote this rant for? Amusement? Hell no, I’m a frikkin’ capitalist, jerky.
Alright, I’m kidding. I’m trusting that you’ll find this valuable enough that you’ll spend the next half hour clicking on every advertisement on this site and buying shit from my affiliate sponsors so I can actually make money off this page. Or you’ll at least go to CivilDisobedience.us and buy at least ten of every shirt you see there. Fifteen if you really love me. I swear to send you a personal note taking back all the swear words I used on you in this post if you do that. Really.
I’ll write ’em out in a fucking list, including my use of the word “fucking” right here (twice). All you gotta do is cough up some jang for my t-shirts, which are brilliantly designed and extremely badass.
Now For the Real Solution, I Swear
Alright, enough capitalistic ranting. Now for the gist of the deal here. This is what all of you need to do right after you finish buying all the t-shirts from CivilDisobedience.us that you can get your grubby hands on:
1. Buy guns. Lots of ’em. Not the legal ones either, but the ones you don’t have to fill out any NCIC or federal paperwork on. Get ’em from the newspaper, the gun show, whatever. Then bury ’em. Buy some PVC or body bags or whatever you can get and bury those weapons (along with the ammo to go with, of course). Why? Because they’re gonna come search your house and vehicles and take all the ones you haven’t buried. Soon. So hurry up.
2. Know who your friends are. The true friends. The good ones. The ones who’ll give you half their jerky and at least one can from the six pack. Those friends. If your friend wears any kind of badge? Not your friend. Disown them. Until they wake up and realize what their job really entails (I don’t care if they’re the damned fire chief) or what they’re going to be asked to do, they aren’t your friends. They’re a government mole. There are no “good cops.” That stopped fifty years ago.
3. Learn who the government agents in your town or general area (if you’re stupid enough to live in a city) are. I mean the legitimate ones, this isn’t some kind of McCarthy witch hunt for “informants.” You can do that later. Learn who the IRS, FBI, CIA, military intelligence, whatever are. If they work for a company that uses initials instead of a name, they’re an agent. Memorize their faces, names, and homes. You’ll need it later. Those are the places you’ll be avoiding and the people you’ll be ostracizing when the shit hits the fan. They’re the enemy.
4. Become intimately familiar with your political “leaders.” The mayor, council, state reps, the dung bucket you send to Washington, etc. Know them, their families, and their meeting places. They’re also the enemy.
5. Stop voting. It’s a waste of time and effort. Nobody counts your vote (officially) and it’s just another scam to get you to register for something. Your vote accomplishes nothing. The only candidates who will ever get elected are Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee, both of whom are prostitutes and pedophiles all rolled into one. Stop legitimizing them with your wasted votes.
6. Get a dog. A cat is an OK second choice, but you really should adopt a dog. Why? Two reasons, actually. First, if #2 shows you that you have no real friends, you’ll have one with Fido. Second, if the #3’s get around your defenses and kick in your door, they’ll shoot your dog. That should piss you off enough to stop second-guessing and start fucking shooting back.
7. Shoot back. The shit will hit the fan, trust me. When it does, don’t bother hoping for your day in court. If it does happen, it will be a kangaroo court, so you’re toast. The feds and press will have you convicted before you even see a judge anyway.
8. Don’t hold me responsible for anything. I’m responsible for nothing you do. Take the consequences of your actions like a man and walk it off, wuss.
Got comments? Email me, dammit!
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