Laughter's Medicine

TSA Cognitive Recognition Exam

by Fatima Guillermo Chen, RotP

Congratulations!  If you have advanced to this stage of the TSA employment screening process, then our physicians have determined that you do indeed have a pulse.  This next examination may be a bit more difficult.  The purpose of this test is threefold:

1.)  To determine if you have the cognitive skills to identify potential security threats

2.)  To determine if you have a basic understanding of what the job is and what it entails

3.)  To determine if you know how to use a pencil

Please only circle one answer to each of the following questions.  Good luck!

This picture can best be descibed as…

a.)  Pornography

b.)  The image the drooling pervs in the full body scanning booth can actually see

c.)  A “Hot Babe” that no TSA employee ain’t never gonna git

d.)  All of the above

The picture above can best be described as…

a.)  An Ipod

b.)  An electronic device used by terrorists to download music

c.)  An item that commonly turns up missing from airline passenger’s luggage and ends up in the “Shiney Things” box hidden under the beds of most TSA employees

d.)  All of the above

The picture above can best be described as…

a.)  An ugly bald guy

b.)  A man who stands to make millions off the implementation of full body scanners at airports nationwide

c.)  Former Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff

d.)  All of the above

The picture above can best be described as…

a.)  A woman with a man’s haircut

b.)  Janet Reno’s Prom Date

c.)  Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano

d.)  All of the above

The picture above can best be described as…

a.)  A Fry Cook

b.)  A job that actually requires some skill

c.)  A step up from a job as a TSA Screener

d.)  All of the above

The Picture above can best be described as…

a.)  Cocaine

b.)  A CIA barter item

c.)  Party favors at the last TSA Christmas Party

d.)  All of the above

The picture above can best be described as…

a.)  Petroleum Jelly

b.)  A substance prohibited from being brought on board commercial airliners

c.)  Something that might come in handy inside the scanning booth

d.)  All of the above

The picture above can best be described as…

a.)  An Omnipotent Deity

b.)  God

c.)  What a TSA employee thinks they become when they put on a blue uniform

d.)  All of the above

The picture above can best be described as…

a.)  A Korean War Veteran

b.)  A Greeter at Wal-Mart

c.)  A likely candidate for the “No-Fly” list

d.)  All of the above

The picture above can best be described as…

a.)  The “Underwear Bomber”

b.)  A Patsy

c.)  Someone who may bypass security altogether and be escorted directly onto the plane

d.)  All of the above

If you answered “D” or “All the above” to each of the ten questions, then I’m sorry to inform you that you are far too smart to be considered for employment with the Transportation Security Administration.  But I hear the Census is still taking applications.  Good luck…NEXT!

Share