Laughter's Medicine

EPA and DOT Propose New Dumbed-Down Labels

by Aaron Turpen, EVMeme

Is reading a MPG number too hard for you?  Not sure what to make of that pesky “miles per gallon” thing anymore?  Unsure of what MPG really means now, what with all of today’s advanced technologies?

Well it appears you’re not alone.  There are a lot of people that aren’t exactly college material either, so your friendly neighborhood Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is here to help.  Along with their pals at the Department of Transportation (DOT), the EPA has come up with a new set of window stickers so that even the dullest knife in the drawer can pick out an eco-friendly car.

Labels are highlighted the same way your report card was, with letter grades from A to D to easily show you whether your car is in the “quick, give him a wedgie” nerd category or closer to your own, linebacker grunting vocabulary level.

A car, like the Toyota Prick, gets an A while your good old lift-kit-installed, turbo-charged Hemi-sportin pickup gets a D.  You can always make up the difference and buy your wife one of them prissy Priuses, of course.  Makes perfect sense, Bubba.

There’s a lot of other new stuff on those labels too, but that’s all fine print.  Nothing guys like you need to worry on.  Who gives a crap about “MPG equivalent” and whatever?  I got something for you to plug in…