Jesus for President in 2012

Posted: August 22nd, 2011 by Militant Libertarian

by Russell D. Longcore, DumpDC

Jesus Christ could not get elected in America in 2012.

My point is that it’s not the character, morals or honesty of any human being that wants to be President that matter. It is all about who will prostitute themselves more than all the other candidates in the quest for the party nomination. It is the race to the bottom, not a race to the top. None of the candidates you’ll see running for President can fix Washington because the establishment in Washington doesn’t want to be fixed, and will fight reforms to the death…even to the death of the Republic.

Even Jesus Christ could not fix Washington. Jesus could not even gain the nomination for President. I’m assuming that He would run as a Republican…not because that’s the best party, but since Obama already has the Democratic nomination locked up. But let’s take a somewhat irreverent look at Jesus, like the other candidates and the media would rough Him up and then crucify Him all over again. But this time, they would use innuendo, half truth and ad hominem attacks instead of nails.

The Birther Issue:

Jesus was not born in America, so it would appear that he would be immediately disqualified. But that didn’t stop Barack Obama. What do we really know about Jesus? His mother, a teenager named Mary, claimed that she became pregnant out of wedlock. She claimed that her husband Joseph was not the One who fathered Jesus. But she married Joseph anyway. So, the birthers, the tabloids, 60 Minutes, and the New York Times could accuse the Holy Spirit of having sexual relations with an underage girl. Nobody approves of that these days. Just ask Warren Jeffs in Texas.

He had brothers and sisters. But they said nothing in Scripture. Would somebody assert that their silence had been bought?

The First Missing Years: Birth to age 12

After Jesus’ birth, Scripture tells us his father relocated the family to Egypt for an unknown number of years. So the media could question whether or not Joseph an illegal alien in Egypt, taking work away from deserving Egyptian families.

The Missing 18 Years: Age 12 to 30

There is only one story in Scripture about Jesus when he was a 12-year-old. Then there is no more information about his life until he’s about age 30. Where did he go during that time period? What was he hiding? There are rumors that he was seen in India and Tibet and studied Buddhism under the name Issa. Other stories assert that Joseph of Arimathea, alleged by some to be Jesus’ uncle, took Jesus on commercial trading voyages throughout Europe and the British Isles. Unfortunately, there is no historical record of the existence of a place called Arimathea. So naturally, wouldn’t the media imply that Uncle Joe was using a false identity, or simply did not exist? Other written accounts say Jesus visited America, there known in Native American lore as the “White Prophet.” The Book of Mormon states emphatically that Jesus was the White Prophet. Investigative reporters would be all over this story. The media would call on Jesus to disclose his history and experiences prior to the candidacy.

Military Service:

Jesus never served in the military, although he urged the disciples to buy a sword (Luke 22:35-38). So apparently, he was not opposed to self defense and owning weapons. But he would likely take the Old Testament Ten Commandments position that murder is not OK just because you’re wearing a Federally-approved uniform. The military/industrial complex, the Christian churches (who IDOLIZE the military), conservatives AND liberals would hate him for this stance.

Issues-based thoughts about Jesus:

Jesus wouldn’t have to write a book like the other candidates do. There’s already a book about him that’s been a best seller for 1,700 years.

Jesus was pro-life. So all of the people who are pro-abortion would never vote for him. He was so pro-life, he even raised the dead on at least three occasions. The funeral and cemetery businesses in America would be very nervous about a candidate that could make them obsolete.

Jesus was reported to have walked on water on more than one occasion. Naturally, the media would demand that he repeat that before the cameras, perhaps at the Reflecting Pool at the Capitol. If he didn’t do it, he’d be labeled a fraud.

Jesus turned water into wine. Critics of Jesus in the New Testament called him a “wine-bibber.” So the media and the other candidates’ attack teams would try to paint Jesus as a man with an alcohol problem. Then, what would most of the evangelical churches that prohibit alcohol consumption do with this story? Could they still vote for a guy who makes wine and then drinks it, too?

Jesus was known for healing the sick. So why would America need Medicare any more? The medical establishment, doctors, hospitals and bureaucrats would campaign against Jesus, as his healing ministry would threaten their very livelihood. Additionally, thousands of churches in America and big-time evangelists raise multiplied millions when they perform “healing services.” Jesus healing the sick himself would end their gravy train of donations. In addition, if Jesus made people live longer, it would destroy the Social Security mortality projections and bankrupt the system faster. While the senior citizens might like to live longer, the AARP would likely call Jesus a “danger to retirement benefits” and endorse another candidate.

In the Gospels, Jesus calmed a storm on the Sea of Galilee. So if he could control the weather, FEMA would not have much to do. The Weather Channel might go out of business. The construction industry and the big-box home improvement stores, who relies on weather-related repairs for much of their livelihood, might throw their support behind another candidate who wouldn’t change the weather.

Jesus helps Peter get a net-breaking fish harvest in Luke chapter 5. Apparently Jesus could order fish to jump into the nets. This would place the entire environmentalist movement at odds with him, since they are opposed to various commercial fishing methods in the oceans.

Jesus was against the banks of his day, which were the temple money-changers, calling them “thieves.” So, being against stealing would lose him the support of today’s banks.

Jesus said that he was God. Most of those aspiring to be President act like they THINK they’re God, but they never actually claim divinity. That might be somewhat polarizing in a presidential campaign. Can you imagine a Presidential debate in which the other candidates left Jesus alone on this issue? Better yet…can you imagine Katie Couric or Diane Sawyer interviewing Jesus and trying to wrap their minds around the concept of the Trinity? If you elect Jesus, you get the Father and the Holy Spirit as a package deal. Kind of like Bill and Hillary Clinton.

When Jesus went into His public ministry, he was a 30-year-old single male. In a world where Sesame Street’s Bert and Ernie are labeled “gay” because they have been co-habitating for 30 years, Jesus would certainly not escape the insinuations that he is a homosexual. After all, his disciples were an entourage of 12 men, and Scripture says that Judas Iscariot kissed Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. (It certainly wasn’t a romantic smooch, but hey. Judas could have just pointed at Him or done a fist bump to identify Him.) And, although Jesus never took a public position on gay rights, the Old Testament does take a position against homosexuality. If Jesus agreed with the Scriptures, he loses the vote of anyone who supports the gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender (GLBT) lifestyle.

Jesus not only told the truth, but said that He WAS the truth. Clearly, in a Washington DC that lives on lies and deception, Jesus could not govern. If he told the truth about everything that is happening in DC, or has happened in the past, he would instantly place all the rest of Washington at odds with him. They would either have to admit that he was right and repent, or they would challenge his truth. Can you imagine in your wildest dreams that Washington would admit that Social Security is a Ponzi scheme, or that inflation is theft, or that all three branches of government have conspired to violate the Constitution? Gridlock, my friends…gridlock.

Jesus said that “no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” That is an elitist exclusionist religious stance, and is not inclusive of all other religious views and beliefs. So the secular wishy-washy Christian churches, non-Christians and atheist voters would vote for his opponent. And what about the Jews? They have rejected Jesus as Messiah for two millennia. Ain’t no Jews gonna vote for Jesus. There goes the entertainment industry vote.

I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.

The One person in human history that most closely exemplifies all that is good and right and honest and moral could not even get the nomination for President in the United States of America. He would gore too many sacred cows with His very existence. Americans…the ones that believe this is a Christian nation…might all SAY that they’d vote for Jesus, but individually, they would vote for the candidate that protected their individual rice bowl. They would lie to the pollsters and pull the handle for anybody BUT Jesus Christ.

Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong. It’s happened before.

DumpDC. Six Letters That Can Change History.

© Copyright 2011, Russell D. Longcore. Permission to reprint in whole or in part is gladly granted, provided full credit is given.

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