Militant Rants

The Political Party Platforms for 2012 and Marijuana

by Aaron Turpen, CannaCentral

After reading Justin’s article about the GOP candidates and their stance on marijuana, I thought it would be a good idea to round up the political parties themselves and see what they have to say about cannabis.

As a political atheist, this seemed like a good opportunity for me to inject some objectivity into the mix.

So I contacted every national political party I could find and got their statements on cannabis:

The Democratic Party
“Our stance is simple. We’ll tell you whatever you want to hear and then proceed with the status quo once in office.” –Ralph G. Weasel, Party Chairman

The Republican Party
“Marijuana is of the devil! We don’t want your kids smoking that garbage and ruining their lives with promiscuity and other anti-American sentiments. We need them to grow up strong and healthy so they can go get killed in the oil fields.” –Bob Jackboot, Party Chairman

The Constitution Party
“Marijuana was created by God, who also created this country and endowed us with the holy Constitution upon which we pray to Him. We believe everyone should be allowed to use cannabis as they wish, so long as it doesn’t involve abortion because abortion is murder!” –C.J. Preacher, Constitution Party Chair

The Green Party
“Marijuana is fine and should be legalized. Then we’ll tax its CO2 emissions and make sure you only grow it sustainably, under a solid government program to regulate the environmental impacts of your activities.” –Suzie Nutjob, Party Chairwoman

The Libertarian Party
“Hey, we’ve issued like fifty press releases on this just this year. We’ve ACTIVE, man, and getting popular amongst the younger voters! For only $25, you can join the Libertarian Party and help us send more press releases!” –Theodore P. Wonkel, Jr., Esq., Libertarian Party Chair

Party of Socialism and Liberation
“Look, when it comes down to it, we don’t give a crap what you plebs do. Just so long as you do it for…the common good.” –Karl Utopia, Party Leader

Prohibition Party
“You looked at our party’s moniker. Right?” –Jack Dup, Honorable Leader

Socialist Party USA
“We differ from the Party of Socialism because we do it for the working man. Power to the people! We believe that weed should be free too and that everyone should have the right to as much as they want and that growers should be forced to grow it for us for free because it’s for the common good!” –Dr. X, Organization de Capitan

Tea Party
“Look, Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck don’t speak for us. We speak for ourselves. We’re free people and don’t take orders from anyone! So if you want to smoke pot, that’s your affair, just don’t try to sell it to my kids, you miscreant. And get the Mexicans out too.” –Joe on the Street holding a protest sign that says “Obamacare SUX!”

The DEA Rules Party
There’s a law that says it’s illegal. It’s against the law, people. What part of that don’t you understand? It’s illegal. Plain and simple. Now step aside, I smell something suspicious. Don’t argue, that’s probable cause, I don’t need no stinkin warrant. Move aside or I’ll be forced to taze you and put you into custody for obstruction.” –JB Thug, DEA

The FU If You Can’t Take a Joke Party
“Who gives a crap about the elections, man? Comet Elenin is gonna destroy everything anyway. It’s in the Aztec calendar and stuff.” -Aaron T., SubGenius

*Note: I proudly made all of this up based on my personal perceptions of each party. If you can’t take a joke, please refer to the last entry in the list above.