Ze Older Stuff

Lie to me

by Bryan Kay

FEMA recently started referring to the various branches and departments of federal government as the “federal family.”

I can imagine what image they’re hoping to convey — something about family — but that wasn’t my first impression. (Sorry.)

My first thought was, “The Federal Family — sounds like organized crime to me.” I am not amused by the idea of government as legalized organized crime, especially because it is. What’s funny is that the federal government would so obviously invite that comparison, particularly in an election year. (By the way, when are we not in an election year?)

I enjoyed my amusement until my second idea hit me. And it hit hard.

“Hey, maybe they’re just trying to be honest with us for once.”

Please, God, no.

This must stop before it infects the rhetoric of other departments. I don’t want honesty from my government. I’m sure most people would find this counter-intuitive, so allow me to explain. You might even learn something.

The federal government of the United States of America is the most accurate and reliable barometer of truth that I know. They achieve their remarkable record of revelation and enlightenment by routinely lying.

Think about it. If you know with 99% certainty that when a federal government official says something, anything, that it is false, then you have a good idea of what is true, don’t you?

The only way I know what’s going on is when government lies to me. If they tell me to go east, I confidently go west. If they tell me the end is up, I’m comfortably certain it’s down.

If they start telling the truth, then I won’t know which end is up.