As the reputation of the U.S. government is now in shambles, the feds are turning to the same bait-and-switch tactics used by the Corn Refiners Association as they tried to renameHigh Fructose Corn Syrupto the more innocent sounding “corn sugar.” The federal government no longer wants to be called a “government” at all. Instead, you’re supposed to refer to them as your“federal family.”
Seriously. This is the word from FEMA, which announced last week, “Under the direction of President Obama and Secretary Janet Napolitano, the entire federal family is leaning forward to support our state, tribal and territorial partners along the East Coast.”
Family? Really? Sort of like anorganized crime family, perhaps?
Let’s take a look at this family, shall we?
Note: This article is obviously satire. All photos used herein are presented under Fair Use for the purpose of public commentary and satire.
First there’s Father Obama. He runs the family’s finances, and that’s why the entire family is irreversibly bankrupt and forever on the verge of being evicted from their home which is about to be repossessed by the bank.
Father Obama sounds like he knows what he’s talking about, but he’s actually completely clueless. Every time hemandatesthat the family do something, the outcome is disastrous.
One time he ordered everybody in the family to buy all their own health insurance, threatening to take away their allowance money if they didn’t. Another time, he launched bottle rockets at the neighbor’s house on July 4th, setting their roof on fire and burning their house to the ground. It turned out he was trying to get the local kids hired as part of the house reconstruction team and claimed to be engaged in “creating jobs” for the neighborhood.
Big Sis Janet Napolitano
Don’t wrestle with your big sis Janet. She’s got the skin of a mutant rhinoceros and the face of a Roman battering ram. She’s the “muscle” of the criminal family, complete with bad breath and everything.
When you come home late on a Friday night, she insists on searching your pockets for weed, then interrogating you on where you’ve been and why you think you have the right to travel at all.
She’s also big on surveillance, so she runs a series of secret nanny cams throughout your house to gather evidence on you and tattle to your parents. She keeps a secret database of all your violations and threatens to use them against you to get what she wants, which just happens to be personally conducting “enhanced pat-downs” on other women.
When she’s not busy spying on her siblings, Big Sis Janet is hanging out behind the local bowling alley, selling the weed she confiscated from her brother to raise money to support her S&M fetish. She wields a baseball bat and carries a set of brass knuckles to remind the locals who’s in charge.
Uncle Ben Bernanke
Uncle Ben Bernanke is the dodgy white collar criminal of the family who runs an illicit printing press in the basement, cranking out counterfeit hundred dollar bills and hoping he won’t get caught by the U.S. Treasury Department.
When he’s not printing counterfeit money, he’s running financial scams on little old ladies by selling them derivates, or purchasing mail order goods with counterfeit money orders and cashier’s checks. Like any con man, he’s clean-cut and sounds intelligent, but behind the scenes, he’s always running “get rich quick” schemes that only end up stealing money from people.
Even though his ideas never work, he always thinks he’s smarter than everyone else, and he struts around the house with an attitude of total arrogance, screaming about how he’s going to “save the world!” The rest of the family members just scowl and him and scream in return, “Grow some hair where it counts!”
“Crazy” Grandpa Harry Reid
Harry Reid (US Senate Majority Leader) is that grumpy old grandpa of the family who still thinks he’s running the household but has long since been labeled “demented” by the rest of the family. His ideas about the world are universally wrong, but he can’t stop blabbing at the family dinner table about how brilliant he is and how the whole family would be better off if everyone would just listen to him.
Grandpa Harry also has an integrity problem. He once convinced the family members to all pitch in and hire a neighbor kid to mow the lawn, but it later turned out Grandpa was getting a kickback equal to 25% of the kid’s wages, then using that money to buy vodka.
He also went racist on everyone and insisted that the family hire no “negroes” to do the mowing, unless they were “light skinned” and spoke with “no Negro dialect.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Reid#Criticism)
“Mommy” Margaret Hamburg
Margaret Hamburg (current head of the FDA) is the psychopathic, medication-addicted mother of the household. She’s a total hypochondriac who keeps trying to put all the kids on psychiatric medications, and she hoards pain pills in her own medicine cabinet then gobbles a handful when life just gets to be too much.
She starts up an argument any time Father Obama brings home vitamins or herbs, claiming that “vitamins are deadly” and that the family needs to receive annual vaccination shots to avoid colds and the flu. She suffers from migraine headaches herself, though, and every time she experiences one, she runs around the house screaming about how she wants to leave this world “and take the children with me, dammit!”
Predictably, the family gets sick every year during the flu season, during which “Mommy” Margaret goes crazy blaming everybody else for “not taking their prescribed antibiotics!” The rest of the family has pretty much decided that Margaret is mentally deranged and they are seriously considering asking a court judge to declare her incompetent.
Cousin “Good ol’ boy” Tom Vilsack
Cousin Tom is a corn-fed, barbeque-eating country boy from Iowa. He seems okay on the outside, but his prostate is the size of a Fukushima-mutated canteloupe because he’s been dining on genetically engineered corn and sucking down hormone-injected beef products for too many years. As suspected, Cousin Tom is becoming a mutant.
One time at Thanksgiving, Father Obama told a joke about the economy that made Cousin Tom laugh so hard, he coughed up his own scrotum. He’s also growing a sixth finger on his right hand and a curious appendage from his tailbone that seems to wag when you laugh at it… which happens a lot when Cousin Tom starts talking about how his “genius” ideas are helping so many people (http://www.cagw.org/newsroom/porker-of-the-month/).
On the science front, Tom is currently overseeing a small patch of “experimental lawn grass” in the back yard, using seeds he got from Monsanto. That patch of grass has grown to five times its normal size, and small animals recently began disappearing when they wandered nearby.
The family dog has gone missing, too, but Cousin Tom seems excited about the new GMO grass and plans to expand the plot to cover the entire perimeter of the house where it can function as “security grass,” he says, with the added benefit that it will “eat intruders.” Gotta love Monsanto technology, eh?
Don’t you love your new Federal Family?
Your new “Federal Family” isn’t the only family we all know about, is it? There are other famous families in U.S. history that might also right a bell, such as:
The Chicago mob boss crime syndicate family. This was a group of families, actually, who surged into power during the era of Prohibition and made money off the fact that alcohol was illegal.
The scheme failed to stop alcohol and only made violent crime war worse, so the federal government decided to end prohibition. At about the same time, it enacted prohibition-style laws that outlawed marijuana, and it then began trafficking all the illegal drugs itself, taking over as the “Federal Family” of drug trafficking. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CIA_drug_trafficking)
The difference between the mafia crime families and the government “Federal Family” is that at least the mafia knows it’s stealing from you. The federal government, on the other hand,claims YOUR money is automatically THEIRS!That’s why they steal a little bit out of every paycheck you earn and then promise to send you checks for your retirement someday… but behind the scenes, they’ve already spent your retirement money on their own bloated salaries and pet pork projects.
The federal family, it turns out, steals from youjust like real family… but without the annual picnic and mandatory wedding attendances.